7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
fly smarter, not harder
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID