If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
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Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
She: I’ve been with my boyfriend for years and we’ve never kissed.
Me: Cos he’s been kissing someone else.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
Guys, I found it.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.