75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
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the best thing i’ve ever made
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
no refunds
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.