[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
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[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
My circle of trust is a meatball
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat