The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
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If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I have written yet another poem about laundry
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions