78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
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People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
Do one person every day that scares you.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“What movie?” 🤔
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
When you let grandma cat sit
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste