me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
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Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Why do meteors always land in craters?
just got my engagement photos
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
Meat Cute
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.