7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.