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@Fickle_Filly: 7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
@stephenjmolloy: [Every restaurant ever]
Manager: "Has he got a mouthful of food?"
Manager: "Go and ask him how his meal is."
@crushingbort: "Mr Bush, do you want my coke?"
"Yeah sure" *Bush drinks coke as kid walks away*
*kid turns around to see incoming plane*
@FloodyHippie: Money doesn't impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.
@KatieBurnett: The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
@VaguelyFunnyDan: Had no idea why my salad was $175, 'til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.