7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
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What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
When a shoelace touches your ankle
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.