Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.