Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
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A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice