What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
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Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
I could NOT have put it better myself.
much to think about
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?