7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
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If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig