7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
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5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.