You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Now that I’m 40, I’ve had to change my safe word to ‘my knees! my knees!’
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.