People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
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Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.