The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
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Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
Google Pay be like:
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
*pokes sex life with a stick
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock