*brings nachos to your exorcism*
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*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?