7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
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Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
I drew y’all a little something.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
That’s easy for you to say
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house