7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
You Might Also Like
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”