7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]
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Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Poetry is my passion
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich