Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
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told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
So glad we cleared that up
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”