7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
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shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone