No selfies while hijacking a train.
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me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
Welcome
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
bad
worse
worst
worchester
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’