It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
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Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
My therapist after every session
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.