It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
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I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
*gets down on one knee*
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
I believe the plural is “milves.”