ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
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shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
I don’t get marriage
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.