8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
You Might Also Like
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
M: HEY, DID YOU REMEMBER CONDOMS?
H: FFS, use your inside voice
M: *whispers* did you remember condoms?
H: can this wait til after mass?
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.