8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
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When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”