Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
[on my way back to the posting caves]
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like