8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Life hack
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.