8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
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Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half