8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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Horrifying if literal: shit storm
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN