8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
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I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
This guy’s not having it 😆
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours