8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
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[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.