My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
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my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I always blame other people for my problems and it’s all your fault.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
When the stylist spins you back around
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight