My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
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Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order