In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
You Might Also Like
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I’m not alone. I have ants.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home