I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
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Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Banana is the quietest snack
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I think we should elect Bernie. When Isis hears a Jew is president they will all have heart attacks and die.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.