One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’