8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
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I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is