8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
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Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.