8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home