8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
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GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children