80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
[At Adele Concert]
Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide
Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral