80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
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I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
my fav colour is also hitler
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*