nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
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Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
fr
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys