Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
nature’s most graceful animal
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*