8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
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Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Was it something I said?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.