8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
*Logging into Reddit in a wig and fake mustache*
Gentlemen, I think we should really stick it to Wall Street by finding me a girlfriend
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*